My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Randomize