She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Randomize
