woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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