You really coming over, don't trick.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
