I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
