I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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