We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
