That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
