mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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