Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
