dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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