I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
