If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Randomize
