My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
