My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
