Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
