I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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