can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
