maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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