The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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