we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize