There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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