Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Randomize
