Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
