I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
