Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
