He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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