Swine flu. Run for my life!
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
