I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
