Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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