i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Randomize
