just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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