we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
She bit a glass in half.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
