Where are you?
In a non slutty way
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
