WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
