When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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