um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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