Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
my shit smells like andre
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I just blew my weed a kiss
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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