I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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