he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
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