I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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