If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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