theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
