well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
