Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
