do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
