i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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