Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
