A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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