im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
