I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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