im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
The Olympian is in my bed
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