My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Someone came in the potted fern
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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