He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
