allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
