I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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