he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Is Oprah even human
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
