1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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