Is it normal to miss your booty call?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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