Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
