And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
