thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize