dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
