The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
