Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
